Seoul - In response to yesterday’s massive sell-off by investors on the KOSDAQ (shares closed yesterday reportedly close to zero in value), the Doosan Bears, in an effort to distract fans from the team’s anticipated atrocious, post-Krystal’s opening pitch performance (see full story here), have begun hiring members of SNSD to make appearances at games as “goddesses of victory”.  In addition, a new company policy requires that half of gametime be devoted to filming SNSD-related activities, and all sports related special-effects related camera expertise to be focused on shooting SNSD members in slow motion.  

Watch below - Doosan Bears film Yoona of SNSD instead of baseball in hopes of distracting fans 

Following in her sister’s footsteps, f(x)’s Krystal will be throwing the first pitch in the baseball match between the Doosan Bears and Nexen Heroes on June 19th to cheer for the Doosan Bears.  

Minutes after the announcement, Doosan shares, which had been trading at ₩125,000 (107 USD) dropped 90% in value as panicked investors coordinated a massive sell-off amid concerns that Krystal’s pitch would be worse or as bad as her sister’s.  Despite Doosan’s best efforts, though, it doesn’t seem as if stock prices are going to recover anytime soon.  ”It’s a terrible image for any company to have,” said Kim Kyung Jin, a Doosan insider who is not authorized to speak on the matter.  ”In Korean tradition, if you have a bad opening pitch, everyone involved on that side will be cursed with bad fortune and seven years of bad sex.  This is why investors are so panicked and trying to sell.”

Her agency released a statement to calm investors. “Even in the middle of Krystal’s busy schedule for f(x)’s new album promotion, she is practicing diligently to show off an awesome pitch.”

Meanwhile, on Twitter, widespread speculation on how far Krystal’s pitch will go has a led to the creation of a massive betting pool.  

Seoul - In an emergency joint press conference today hosted by SM Entertainment and Core Contents Media, was quoted saying that Girls’ Generation’s first unit group, TaeTiSeo, comprised of Taeyeon, Tiffany, and Seohyun, is switching out members tomorrow, and replacing Seohyun with 8 year-old trainee.  An SM rep was quoted saying, “We’ve been telling fans from the start that the members of Girls’ Generation’s unit group, TaeTiSeo, are not permanently set.  That’s why we named the unit group using the first letter of each member’s name. Since the members can keep changing, we had to pick a name that’s easy to remember and not so confusing to the fans,” SME added. 

Kim Kwang Soo, head of CCM, chimed in, “I’ve seen a portion of the celebrities I’ve created become conceited and idle about three years after they’ve risen to popularity.”  

SME continued, “Although Taetiseo is working hard, to put the fear of God into the rest of the nonagon and show them that they must continue to work even harder on stage as well as off stage, we’ve decided to have decided to implement changes.  But these changes aren’t only just for this reason.  We also want to bring the average age of the group down.  With the addition of this 8 year old trainee, we can bring the average age of Taetiseo down from 21.6 to 17.6.  This is a large difference - one is the age of a legal adult, the other is not.”

Kim Kwang Soo continued, “Even now with new girl and boy groups debuting left and right every month, Taetiseo is working hard for more than ten hours a day… In situations like these, if they find safety in thinking ‘We are best unit group in Korea’, or even, ‘We’re better than Orange Caramel’, they can never progress.”

On the new trainee, details are sparse, but according to SM representatives, the 8 year old trainee was streetcast by SM founder Lee Soo Man himself.  She was found of the side of a street in a basket, and according to SME insiders, Lee Soo Man, ordered his limo driver to turn the car around when thoughts of the 8 year old wouldn’t leave his head.